saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
