You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
