i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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