I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
someone owes me an orgasm
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
