Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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