Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
