She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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