You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
