Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
