new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize