ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
