theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
