i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
