when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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