How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
