I'm gonna have a badass scar
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
