One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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