My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
