i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
