I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
