He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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