I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
