there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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