dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
