i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
