i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she told me i tasted like america
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
