The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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