Jerry, you need to find god
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
