i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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