so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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