So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
