y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
