The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
