Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
