Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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