textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
