my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize