My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
