Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize