If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I am available for nakedness
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
