Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
