I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
