i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize