Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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