wrigley field is MILF paradise
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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