I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
