did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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