There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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