I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
