dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
