My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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