So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
