i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize