yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
