I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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