Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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